How to avoid the bridezilla syndrome in weddings and in life

The term bridezilla makes for good headlines and reality shows but I think most everyone would agree that it’s a control issue that can rear it’s ugly head in a variety of situations from Thanksgiving dinner to how the towels are folded.  Weddings just make it worse because the majority of these afflicted brides have been anticipating this moment for fifteen or more years as opposed to Thanksgiving which probably hasn’t been in the planning stages for more than twelve months.  If we assume for a moment that these women are otherwise nice people to be around (yes, I know there are few that aren’t but that’s a separate issue)  then this stress and need and rage must have something we can empathize with under all that.  Do any of these sound familiar?:

• I want everything to be perfect!
• All eyes are on me, I’ve got to get it right!
• This is my one day to be the center of attention!
• I want everyone to remember this day!

What this usually translates to is stuff; either monogrammed paper napkins that exactly match the centerpiece, three more home-made pies than Cousin Mitzi made last year, or gaspingly expensive designer fashions,  all in the effort to ‘make’ people enjoy themselves, be impressed or otherwise validate all the pain we went through to create this moment. A moment that we are now too exhausted to enjoy ourselves but which we’ve happily sacrificed for the greater good with plans to enjoy the pictures later.  Fyi, martyrdom is rarely an attractive quality.

So how do you break this cycle? It’s all about switching the focus from stuff to emotions, which is easier said than done. If it’s a wedding we’re talking about and the bride wants it to be “perfect” well, what emotions would she use to define perfect? Happy, joyful, solemn, relaxed, inspired?  If she wants the guests to feel happy will monogrammed napkins affect that? My guess is no, but who knows.  Chances are happy guests come from cheerful music, temperate weather, good food,and laughter so what can you do to create the things that will create the mood you’re after?  Generally speaking people are happiest being around happy people so the first step is to relax and enjoy it yourself.

The same thing goes with Thanksgiving – are you after guests that are impressed by your project management skills or ones that feel thankful to be together? Perfection is vastly overrated:-)

Technorati Tags: stress

Diversity versus the easy route

I just got the national newsletter for the organization I volunteer with in the mail.  I am perturbed by a short profile piece for a group on the other side of the country.  Because this is an organization that is part of the court system it varies greatly from state to state and county to county but the core ethos is the same: members of the community advocating for kids ‘in the system’.  After having volunteers drop out prematurely and leaving kids in the lurch, the featured group had analyzed their retention of volunteers and decided what characteristics would keep a volunteer involved: over 40, in a relationship, not working full-time, had raised children.  Wow- that seems like a pretty homogeneous profile particularly given that I don’t meet a single one of those criteria, love volunteering with my local group and I know I’ve been successful.  I can appreciate their motive in  wanting volunteers to stick around but are they doing right by recruiting within such a narrow bandwidth? That doesn’t look like a profile of a community to me. Is it really serving the organization or the kids to narrow things down that far? They run the danger of having a single definition of “right”. It’s easy to define diversity as a matter of ethnicity and race and so common in our vernacular that I think people frequently forget that it means more than that. They’ve come to treat diversity like an item on a checklist to be completed as opposed to an ongoing process.  It will always be an ongoing and evolving thing because the world is always changing – that doesn’t mean we’re doomed to be racist, just that we have to keep updating our cultural perspective of how we label people.

Why didn’t they look at themselves?

It seems to me that this organization looked only at what made up the profile of the volunteers that stuck around instead of what might make the volunteers that left stay.  Why? Because it’s so much easier to evaluate how to change others than how to change ourselves.  Odds are good that they’ve gotten comfortable with their office politics and ways of doing things within the team. They don’t want to have to change that. But that’s where diversity becomes possible, where positive and amazing change can happen.

College kids almost always complain about having to take breadth classes outside of their major, I know I did.  I just wanted to get on with it and not have to switch mental tracks  to something completely different.  But that’s what well rounded means and that’s something that never really goes away; it’s less work and less stress to stick with the familiar – people we can easily identify with, subjects we already know something about, places we’ve been to before.  And you can live a safe and comfortable life like that but I wouldn’t call it fun, interesting, or rewarding.

Technorati Tags: challenges, perspective

The importance of authenticity

Being authentic often gets confused with being honest. I’ll agree it would be hard to be authentic and dishonest at the same time, but they aren’t really opposites.  Authenticity is more about intent and motivation.Those are subtle but powerful aspects in any conversation, sale, or interaction.

A salesman giving a hard sell usually doesn’t get the sale because the words say that the motivation is you, the customer, but the actions say just the opposite. Just about every time I go to Costco someone pressures me to upgrade the basic membership to the one with a higher fee with promises about how much money I would get back. One time a woman walked all the way out to my car with me selling for all she was worth.  A marketing expert could probably tell me the underlying factors in an instant.  What I know is that with all the constant hard selling I don’t trust that there isn’t more in this exchange for Costco than there is for me.   They lost the potential sale and my trust by not being authentic.

I’ve noticed that people are beginning to feel this way about “free” e-books online as well.  Often labeled as manifestos they’re popping up everywhere.  And while yes, they are free and nobody is lying as far as I can tell, the motivation is becoming increasingly suspect as links take you to sites that are raving about the author’s site (because they’re mentioned or because they think it’s good?) The few that I’ve read felt like someone had enticed me with promises of content that did not deliver and I think it was because the intent was not to help me but to help someone more personally connected by engaging my time.  If I’m investing my time, it isn’t really free.

The problem with authenticity is that it’s hard to spot the lack in yourself as well as in others.  It’s perfectly normal to imitate ‘experts’ when we are learning something new or feel less confident in ourselves, but at some  point you have to stop and assess whether you are being authentic in continuing as is. The expert may well be being authentic. We’ve all seen someone ‘work the room’ that is a genuine extrovert and natural salesperson but if I, as someone more naturally inclined to small groups and familiar faces, were to mimic their behavior exactly it would be a painful and unproductive exercise for all concerned.  That doesn’t mean I can’t network effectively it just means it looks very different when I’m being authentic and effective.

Technorati Tags: achieving goals, authenticity, Importance of Motivation, self confidence

The debate over doing what you love

There seems to be endless debate over whether doing what you love is a Cinderella-level of fantasy or not.  The newly fledged entrepreneur’s story in a down economy like this one from CNN both laud those that take a chance and chant failure statistics like a bad Greek chorus in the background – 80% of new businesses don’t make it past the first year. It seems to be a popular topic with bloggers as well, probably because it’s something frequently on their minds as they try to see whether they can make it happen for themselves in a way that they can live with. How To Do What You Love Without Selling Your Soul doesn’t really answer the question it poses in the title and instead addresses how to market yourself without selling your soul which seems to boil down to finding a way to contribute – all well and good but I’d argue that you are in danger of making yourself more miserable by compromising the joy of your original inspiration as described in Maybe you can’t make money doing what you love. The caveat at the end of this last article though that sometimes if you just keep doing what you love the world shows up and decides to pay for it  is what seems to describe the nonconformist photographer, Michael Kenna, who simply took the pictures he wanted to take until the world caught on while managing to pay his bills working for other people. Although he still stands out for taking pictures that are unfashionably beautiful and peaceful, I don’t think he’s had to worry about the light bill recently. To quote him,  ” Life is about turning up. The more you get yourself out there, whether you wake up at 5:00 a.m. to pouring rain or not, the more you’re likely to experience the wonderful happenings that are going on all around you.” (read the Photographer’s Forum interview) Interestingly enough, I found his work when I was flipping through a magazine searching for pictures that I would wish I had taken (an exercise to find inspiration and learn from others.) While I respected many other’s work, his were the only ones that made me yearn for a higher level of skill.

I don’t believe that doing what you love for a living and for money is out of anyone’s reach, however the timeline is not altogether predictable. I think with people’s lack of confidence comes impatience, they show up once and when it doesn’t immediately work out they figure it was never meant to be and retreat to a safer but unhappy place.  Why are we so focused on happiness or a career as a destination instead of a journey?  Has anyone ever asked those 80% of out-of-business new businesses whether they regret starting it?  Did the experience give them knowledge or inspiration for the next stage of their lives? Did they try again and do something different?  Failure isn’t the end of the world, not showing up for life is.

Technorati Tags: career changes, doing what you love, gain self confidence, happiness in life, taking risks

The science of happiness

It’s the middle of the week and mostly likely everyone could use a little dose of humor. So to begin a Wednesday tradition, this post is intended to give you a laugh and something to ponder. Do you ever feel that you ought to be happier than you are?  It’s increasingly obvious that ‘stuff’ doesn’t make people happy.  But maybe it’s not really the stuff but the amount of choice and a lack of requiring a commitment that creates the pathways of unhappiness. There is a scientific aspect to what makes people happy and the way people respond to common situations that is often overlooked.

The video below is of Daniel Gilbert, author of Stumbling on Happiness, giving a talk at a TED conference on the science of happiness. First of all, it’s one of the funnier twenty minute lectures I’ve ever seen. Beyond that though,  the scientific research behind his findings is fascinating. Would you have guessed that one year after their life-changing event that lottery winners and paraplegics are equally happy?

Technorati Tags: science of happiness

An exercise in satisfaction

This is my assignment for myself this week and I’m offering it to you as well if you want to try it.  Maybe we can compare notes later. I’m curious to see what happens with it and what I end up choosing.

Fill in the blank of the following sentence, “This week I’m going to have the most satisfying _____ ever” and then make it happen this week. That blank could be anything that tickles your fancy: a bath, a massage, a dessert, a kiss, a picnic, hiking, you get the idea.  If you went for a bath it could involve lighting candles, bringing in a CD player and a glass of wine, etc.  Just make it the best experience of it’s kind you’ve ever had.

What’s the point? Besides just being fun, I think we all tend to focus on the long-term goals and just get by in the meantime.  Sort of the dessert after vegetables mentality which is fine for dinner but if the vegetable course lasts a few years or decades it’s a different story.  I know I’m guilty of cutting a few corners unnecessarily just to give myself the illusion of efficiency or because I’ve convinced myself that it doesn’t really make that much difference.

Isn’t it time we made some changes in our day to day lives to reflect the life we want to achieve?  None of this has to cost money, it’s really more about putting the effort and the thought into abundance and excellence in the moment.  And rather than focusing on the perfection of the noun you filled in, try for the emotion of satisfaction.  What would make the most satisfying dessert as opposed to is this dessert perfect?  I think the difference between this exercise and just treating yourself is putting the emphasis on making it the best of it’s kind; how far are you willing to take it? How creative can you get?

I haven’t decided how I’m completing this sentence yet and the week is already ticking away.  Any ideas?

Technorati Tags: abundance, everyday moments, finding happiness, Health and Happiness, loving yourself, simple joys

To tweet or not?

Just in the last few weeks I’ve been feeling the peer pressure to start using Twitter.  It’s on the blogging advice sites, it’s on the talk shows, it’s implied by people putting @ in front of my name in other contexts. I’m starting to get defensive. I have no intentions of joining the tweeters  for a number of reasons, but primarily my sanity. I just don’t see how it would enrich my relationships, save me time, or give me any joy.  That doesn’t mean others won’t find it fun and meaningful. If Twitter and cell phones had been around when I was in high school I would probably have been in heaven. Now I’m not sitting around waiting for classes to start or all that worried about keeping track of who broke up with whom.

I went looking for why people think it’s a good idea as opposed to just a time waster and found the following article from Lifehacker: 6 Ways You Should be Using Twitter which lists as one of the reasons that it saves time when you want to find out who got voted off American Idol.  I had two reactions to that one, first do you really need to know that immediately, and if you do, won’t Google deliver the news with less effort?

I suspect that the blogs that deal with simplifying and time management are finding a way to defend Twitter because of pro-blogging advice, such as Benefits of Twitter for Bloggers more than anything to do with efficiency.  The irony is that when you try to search a site for the word “twitter” all you get are the constant “follow me on twitter” links so I may have missed some great arguments on both sides.

I can see why some people would find the value in using it as a mini press release tool for things that you might actually issue a press release for.  However I can’t quite bring myself to encourage the use of something that is contrary to what I’m preaching – being more thoughtful and joyous by focusing on the important stuff.  So I’m not giving in to the pressure and if I miss out on a few hundred or thousand viewers, well, I’m probably too wordy to have kept their attention anyway.

For those that have no idea what I’m talking about, just substitute any growing ‘must have’ of the moment that doesn’t quite feel like a great fit to you.  Really ask yourself and others if there is any benefit outside of fitting in and then make the decision that’s right for you even if the whole world seems to be going in another direction.  You may just find the next greatest thing ahead of everyone else by skipping this one.

Technorati Tags: peer pressure

The art of inspiration

The video below packs a lot into twenty minutes so it’s a little difficult to point to the most important point. I think it’s one of those things that each person will watch and find an individual message. So I’ll let the video do the talking; it’s both thought-provoking and inspiring. Save it for when you have 20 minutes to sit with it without interruption and absorb.  You may find yourself setting new goals and looking for where you put the emphasis in your life.  Sometimes it’s the subtle things that make the most difference.

Technorati Tags: inspiration

Letting go of what isn’t working

I was checking out other blogs this weekend and found myself relating with some chagrin to the latest post on Zen Habits, Productivity tips for people that hate GTD.  The chagrin was due to having recently re-added my tattered copy of Getting Things Done to my to-do pile because not much of it stuck from the last time I tried to follow it.  So this article got me to thinking about all the times we use precious hours trying to get something to work for us that simply isn’t a good fit.  Morning pages don’t work for me either (see Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way.)  I know they work for others, but after three months all I got was notebooks full of nothing.  I think maybe the obvious non-working things are easier to stop doing, but how often have you seen an author address the need for more time by saying “just get up a half hour earlier in the morning” as if theirs is the only advice/exercise/task you are trying to follow.  Pretty soon you’re getting up two hours earlier, and not seeing results because you are now critically deprived of sleep, which you probably were already if you’re like the majority of the population. Maybe it’s time to pursue only the things that add the most value.

As a reminder of what’s important, I have an ideal day schedule posted on the wall behind my desk.  This is simply how I would love to spend an ordinary, everyday kind of day.  What surprised me when I put my thoughts to paper is that without keeping track, everything added up to between 23 and 25 hours a day – guess my subconscious was trying to tell me something;-)

My ideal day looks like:

• 1.5 hours meditation and visualization
• 2 hours physical activity
• 2.5 hours cooking & dining
• 2 hours with family and friends
• 6 or 7 seven hours working
• 1 hour chores
• 8 hours sleep

My real day doesn’t look like this – yet. But living a life where this schedule is a normal day represents success to me, not how much gets done. I have to ask myself if GTD or other things in that to-do pile are aiding or detracting from living this ideal day? And much as I hate to admit it the answer is detracting. I think I’ll stick with the parts that stuck with me from the first time I tried it (I have a bill paying folder and a basket for stuff I need to deal with) and leave it at that.  A new pasta recipe and an after-dinner walk are going to do more to move me towards my real goals.

Technorati Tags: achieving goals, getting organized, getting things done, ideal day, letting go, routine, time management

5 Things you can do now to reclaim your weekends

It’s easy to fall into the trap where Saturday and Sunday are catch-up days for what didn’t get done the rest of the week. But does that really give you the mental break and relaxation you need or does it just heap on the guilt for not getting it all done as you vacuum while staring out at the sunny blue sky?  There’s no one size fits all solution and you may have to sacrifice some “I should’s”  but you can keep your weekends for the other areas of your life that need your presence too.  Here are 5 simple, not necessarily easy, things you can do to get your weekend time back.

1. Divide up the routine chores among family members and among the weekdays.  Have a dedicated chore hour every night when everyone chips in and maybe even put on some great dance music.  For example, clean the bathroom on Monday night, change the sheets Tuesday night, grocery shop on Wednesday etc.
2. Stay in on Friday night and get ready for the week ahead (clothes, frozen lunches, etc.) Use that as your wind-down time from the work week.  That way you won’t sleep Saturday away and won’t have Monday’s demands eating into your time on Sunday.
3. Limit your kids’ sports and club activities to one each.  They’ll still get into college and it’s been shown that boredom can be good for kids.  If the adults in the house are hyperactive joiners; cut back there too.
4. Have some potential ideas worked out for what you want to do with all this free time. Have a tentative plan for a sunny day, rainy day, stay at home day etc. That way if your first choice isn’t quite so appealing because it’s pouring out, you won’t waste the day wandering around wondering what to do.  If you need supplies for a craft project or something, do that shopping earlier in the week. Don’t forget to leave a little free time for just enjoying the moment.
5. Lower your standards on housework, lawn and garden.  Turn your back on Martha Stewart and settle for good enough in these areas.  Your soul needs feeding even more than the lawn and if it’s an inch or two longer than the neighbors’, you’ll be giving them a chance to feel superior;-)

Technorati Tags: getting things done, relaxation, routine, time management

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