Frivolity

On close inspection there is something delightfully silly and frivolous about witch hazel blossoms – the bright curling petals going every which way.  If Mother Nature can let her hair down and be seen in public like this, what’s stopping you?

Technorati Tags: breaking rules

Changing the rules of friendship

Have you ever made a conscientious effort to change a habit or behavior and then feel like you’re being punished because friendships change for the worse or disappear altogether? Smokers trying to quit often suddenly realize that the majority of their friends are smokers even though if you’d asked them before they tried to kick the habit they would probably tell you they had lots of non-smoking friends.  It can be the same with any major change – you’ve changed the rules and not everyone thinks its for the better.  Almost always this has more to do with how they see themselves than how they see you.

For example, if you had a habit of complaining that you decided to break but your friends were co-enablers then odds are good that if you stop complaining you are breaking an unwritten contract as well as implying by virtue of taking the action that it’s a bad habit that can be corrected  – if they don’t take a similar action the friends may see themselves as deficient even if you don’t see them that way.  Relationships between friends tend to fall into roles. If one person changes out of that role, be it mentor, conspirator, confidant, student or whatever than there’s a chance the friendship may need to take a hiatus for new roles to be negotiated and it may not come back together. There are lot more examples in Could friendships be ruining your life?

The good news is that the smokers that successfully quit eventually do find whole new circles of non-smoking friends as they change their daily habits to include new things.  The same goes for the person that quits a job to go back to school, moves across the country or starts their own business.  That period in between the old life and the fully developed new life can seem lonely and scary – heck, it’s scary without friendships changing, but if it happens it’s likely a painfully necessary part of the process.  Approaching it with an open heart and a healthy dose of patience will deliver you safely into the arms of the friends that stuck by you and a whole bunch of new ones that you wouldn’t have met otherwise.

Technorati Tags: breaking rules, design your life, friendship

How to make your own rules

Not that I hang on to these things or anything, but I still vividly remember an incident at an involuntary school book club I was part of in fourth or fifth grade. There were probably eight or nine girls with discussion led by a parent volunteer. One week we gathered in the hallway outside the classrooms as usual, only it turned out that I was the only one that had read the book, including the leader.  So she discussed other things, unrelated to the book.  It was news to me that not reading the book was an option and I was a little put out that my efforts had been pointless.  Like any kid armed with a new set of rules, I tested them.  I don’t know if it was the very next book or the one after but not  too much time passed before I tried the whole ‘I just couldn’t get into it’  excuse.  Only I was the only one that didn’t read the book that week.  It turned out that you definitely need a quorum for this kind of move in grade school; not only was I outnumbered but I wasn’t allowed to forget it either.

In one way or another, most of us have had experiences like this that urge us towards socially acceptable middle of the road conformity. Usually that means other people are happy instead of us, because they aren’t the ones having to adjust.  I suppose there are thousands of people out there living this kind of life with little interest in changing, but I haven’t met any of them personally. So how do you go about making rules for yourself and sticking to them?

1. First off, evaluate how many rules govern your life. You can start by making a list of all the rules you follow that you can think of and then divide them into health and safety, morals, and everything else.  Not all rules are bad and in my book, stopping at a red traffic light is not negotiable and I’d really prefer it if everyone continued to wear clothing in public; those that want to fight that kind of rule are usually more interested in being angry than achieving a happily balanced life.  That said, the impact of slicing the fruits and vegetables lengthwise versus widthwise has absolutely no known consequences.
2. Think about what it is that you want to achieve and why you haven’t yet – somewhere in there are the most crucial rules of all – it may be that you have a rule that children should grow up near their grandparents so you can’t move to the beach, or that only skinny or young people can date so you’re off the market until you achieve some monumental fitness goal or achieve reincarnation.
3. Look at the consequences of breaking any of your rules. If you wear white shoes after Labor Day, what will happen?  And is that dire enough to keep the rule or consider modifying it? If it means your mother will never speak to you again, are you sure about that? Or does that really mean that there’s going to be an extended argument that you’d just as soon avoid? If your avoidance costs you what you want, is it worth it?  What can you start eliminating or modifying to help achieve those goals?  Can you call instead of sending a card or dare to go to work without makeup?  Can you move to the beach and setup web cams for the grandparents?
4. With your goals in mind, think about what brand new rules you need to accomplish them, not just the ones that need to be broken or modified.  Maybe it’s a rule that writing has to happen before the dishes get done, or that you can ‘only’ have a part-time job until you finish that graduate degree. As long as they’re not rules for the sake of having rules, they should help you get there.
5. Be resolved – for every person that has changed the rules about what a portrait looks like, how food should taste, or anything else there are usually at least nine people trying to drag them back to the social norm for every one person that says ‘cool!’ If they’re your rules, they need to be rules not resolutions or suggestions. Don’t let the book club push you around;-)

Technorati Tags: breaking rules, creating rules, doing what you love, gain self confidence, transitions