Photo by ed.ward

Not that I hang on to these things or anything, but I still vividly remember an incident at an involuntary school book club I was part of in fourth or fifth grade. There were probably eight or nine girls with discussion led by a parent volunteer. One week we gathered in the hallway outside the classrooms as usual, only it turned out that I was the only one that had read the book, including the leader.  So she discussed other things, unrelated to the book.  It was news to me that not reading the book was an option and I was a little put out that my efforts had been pointless.  Like any kid armed with a new set of rules, I tested them.  I don’t know if it was the very next book or the one after but not  too much time passed before I tried the whole ‘I just couldn’t get into it’  excuse.  Only I was the only one that didn’t read the book that week.  It turned out that you definitely need a quorum for this kind of move in grade school; not only was I outnumbered but I wasn’t allowed to forget it either.

In one way or another, most of us have had experiences like this that urge us towards socially acceptable middle of the road conformity. Usually that means other people are happy instead of us, because they aren’t the ones having to adjust.  I suppose there are thousands of people out there living this kind of life with little interest in changing, but I haven’t met any of them personally. So how do you go about making rules for yourself and sticking to them?

1. First off, evaluate how many rules govern your life. You can start by making a list of all the rules you follow that you can think of and then divide them into health and safety, morals, and everything else.  Not all rules are bad and in my book, stopping at a red traffic light is not negotiable and I’d really prefer it if everyone continued to wear clothing in public; those that want to fight that kind of rule are usually more interested in being angry than achieving a happily balanced life.  That said, the impact of slicing the fruits and vegetables lengthwise versus widthwise has absolutely no known consequences.
2. Think about what it is that you want to achieve and why you haven’t yet – somewhere in there are the most crucial rules of all – it may be that you have a rule that children should grow up near their grandparents so you can’t move to the beach, or that only skinny or young people can date so you’re off the market until you achieve some monumental fitness goal or achieve reincarnation.
3. Look at the consequences of breaking any of your rules. If you wear white shoes after Labor Day, what will happen?  And is that dire enough to keep the rule or consider modifying it? If it means your mother will never speak to you again, are you sure about that? Or does that really mean that there’s going to be an extended argument that you’d just as soon avoid? If your avoidance costs you what you want, is it worth it?  What can you start eliminating or modifying to help achieve those goals?  Can you call instead of sending a card or dare to go to work without makeup?  Can you move to the beach and setup web cams for the grandparents?
4. With your goals in mind, think about what brand new rules you need to accomplish them, not just the ones that need to be broken or modified.  Maybe it’s a rule that writing has to happen before the dishes get done, or that you can ‘only’ have a part-time job until you finish that graduate degree. As long as they’re not rules for the sake of having rules, they should help you get there.
5. Be resolved – for every person that has changed the rules about what a portrait looks like, how food should taste, or anything else there are usually at least nine people trying to drag them back to the social norm for every one person that says ‘cool!’ If they’re your rules, they need to be rules not resolutions or suggestions. Don’t let the book club push you around;-)

Technorati Tags: breaking rules, creating rules, doing what you love, gain self confidence, transitions

There seems to be endless debate over whether doing what you love is a Cinderella-level of fantasy or not.  The newly fledged entrepreneur’s story in a down economy like this one from CNN both laud those that take a chance and chant failure statistics like a bad Greek chorus in the background – 80% of new businesses don’t make it past the first year. It seems to be a popular topic with bloggers as well, probably because it’s something frequently on their minds as they try to see whether they can make it happen for themselves in a way that they can live with. How To Do What You Love Without Selling Your Soul doesn’t really answer the question it poses in the title and instead addresses how to market yourself without selling your soul which seems to boil down to finding a way to contribute – all well and good but I’d argue that you are in danger of making yourself more miserable by compromising the joy of your original inspiration as described in Maybe you can’t make money doing what you love. The caveat at the end of this last article though that sometimes if you just keep doing what you love the world shows up and decides to pay for it  is what seems to describe the nonconformist photographer, Michael Kenna, who simply took the pictures he wanted to take until the world caught on while managing to pay his bills working for other people. Although he still stands out for taking pictures that are unfashionably beautiful and peaceful, I don’t think he’s had to worry about the light bill recently. To quote him,  ” Life is about turning up. The more you get yourself out there, whether you wake up at 5:00 a.m. to pouring rain or not, the more you’re likely to experience the wonderful happenings that are going on all around you.” (read the Photographer’s Forum interview) Interestingly enough, I found his work when I was flipping through a magazine searching for pictures that I would wish I had taken (an exercise to find inspiration and learn from others.) While I respected many other’s work, his were the only ones that made me yearn for a higher level of skill.

I don’t believe that doing what you love for a living and for money is out of anyone’s reach, however the timeline is not altogether predictable. I think with people’s lack of confidence comes impatience, they show up once and when it doesn’t immediately work out they figure it was never meant to be and retreat to a safer but unhappy place.  Why are we so focused on happiness or a career as a destination instead of a journey?  Has anyone ever asked those 80% of out-of-business new businesses whether they regret starting it?  Did the experience give them knowledge or inspiration for the next stage of their lives? Did they try again and do something different?  Failure isn’t the end of the world, not showing up for life is.

Technorati Tags: career changes, doing what you love, gain self confidence, happiness in life, taking risks