The No Excuses Project: the goal of true love
March 24, 2010 by Juliet Chase
Filed under No Excuses Project
I wanted to save this topic for last – I would really like to avoid talking about it all together. That’s how deep the excuses run! But if I’m going to be honest with myself, and by extension with you, then it’s time.
First off, I’m not whining about being single – it has it’s good points. I’ve said and still believe, that I would prefer not to be single going forward as I think I’ve explored its many aspects fairly well. I know that in many ways I’ve subconsciously marked myself as unavailable because of how I’m thinking – which is where the excuses come in. With anything involving other people I can’t, and don’t want to, control someone else or influence them through manipulation, e.g. “The Rules”. This is about making sure my attitude and my actions aren’t stopping me without worrying about a guaranteed outcome.
Here are the excuses I know I’ve used in this area – actually, I think the list of the ones I haven’t used would be shorter:
- I don’t know what to do (where should I be hanging out? etc.)
- My perception is skewed (maybe I’m not being realistic…)
- It will require too much risk
- The past still has hold of me (I don’t let go of disappointments easily)
- It has never happened before
- I have too many other projects (relationships take time and I don
- ‘t seem to have any…)
- The timing isn’t right)
- I’m too old (and stuck in my ways)
- I’m too ___ (independant,set in my ways, overweight, tall, brainy, geeky…etc.)
- I’ll compromise because I’m not confident enough to fully commit (I don’t trust myself to turn away from a relationship that is mostly good but not really good enough)
That’s the bulk of them – next week I’ll address what I plan to do to stop using them against myself.
Holding myself accountable
So how is everything else going?
Photography – things are going well. The emphasis on picking up my camera more often is making me feel more creative and I’m producing better stuff
Gardening – Mother Nature has given me a reprieve with rain. The benefit to me is that the plan removes the guilt for not doing more.
Losing weight – just ok – I’m doing fairly well with food (except for the 8 mini Hershey’s I scarfed down at work…) but exercise is still lagging at about 50% of the goal. If I can’t get that in the groove this week I’ll revisit the plan.
Celebrate the Vernal Equinox
March 19, 2009 by Juliet Chase
Filed under Importance of Motivation
Spring comes to the northern hemisphere this weekend (March 20th). For those of you that don’t keep track, the equinox is when there is an equal amount of daylight and darkness. From the equinox to the summer solstice (June 21st) the days will get longer and longer, by just a handful of seconds each day.
It’s Nature’s perfect example of making great strides in small steps. So pick something that you really want to do more of like reading to your kids, walking in the neighborhood, or emailing your friends and follow the sun. Add just a tiny bit each day; one more paragraph, one more page, one more house on the next block. In just three months you may not recognize how far you’ve come until you compare it against where you started… and then it will be Summer.
Love yourself because of (not in spite of) your imperfections
March 18, 2009 by Juliet Chase
Filed under Health and Happiness
Somewhere in a book on my shelf there is a quotation (which of course I can’t find right now) that says that we are honored for our talents, but loved for our imperfections.
We spend so much time trying to weed out and reduce our flaws as though they were cancer cells. And true, we could all probably stand to be better listeners, more charitable to our neighbors etc. But is perfection really a worthy goal?
The funny thing about perfection if you think about it is that it’s really quite boring. There are no surprises, nothing unexpected, nothing dramatic, nothing humorous. All those things come from the less than perfect. If you think about someone that you perceive as being closer to perfection than most mortals, what is it that makes them appealing? Unique? If you were called to the morgue to identify the body, what characteristics would identify that person as different from others of a similar profile? My guess is that most of the things you might list here would generally be classified as an imperfection; a gap in the teeth, a mole, a scar, a bad dancer, stubborn, addiction to reality tv, you name it. Even high profile models are often ‘unique’ in being short (less than 6′) having a mole or a strong jaw. Something that brings them down just a tad from being physically ‘perfect’.
Physical ideals get the most press, but attitudes are probably even more important and harder to identify. A few years back I broke my arm in a rather embarrassing way. It was an after work event and I walked around the table to get away from a loud talker. I carried my beer with me, slipped on something and for some unknown reason tried to save the beer in my right hand while putting all my weight on my left wrist as I landed. I was embarrassed, mortified, a bit defensive (I was NOT inebriated) and there was no way to make this a secret when there were about 20 witnesses who thought it made a hilarious water cooler story at work the next day.
Then a funny thing happened. I noticed that when I told the complete story to strangers who asked about the cast on my arm, they warmed up to me – not just in sympathy, but because they could relate to me and all of those emotions. I don’t think I was ever any one’s idea of even close to perfect, but you wouldn’t be too far off to describe me as reserved and someone that played it safe. Someone that worried about what other people were thinking. I was used to being respected for my skills and talents and worked hard to present a competent and professional demeanor. There’s nothing wrong with that, but I was more successful in all aspects of my life when I showed my flaws and my humanness to the world without judging myself first.
I wish I could say that the six weeks in the cast cured me of self-doubt and self-consciousness completely. It didn’t, it just brought the lesson home and it’s one that I continue to work on. If any of this resonates with you, I recommend M.J. Ryan’s book Trusting Yourself: How to Stop Feeling Overwhelmed and Live More Happily with Less Effort Without trust, there really can’t be love.
How to stop creating your own negative reality
March 12, 2009 by Juliet Chase
Filed under Health and Happiness
Have you ever dreaded a conversation with a boss or coworker or even a spouse so much that you find yourself playing the different roles inside your head ahead of the actual conversation? And how often does the real conversation mimic the one in your head?
Odds are good that since as much as 80% of communication is nonverbal that you could be ‘leading the witness’ and making things more uncomfortable than they need to be. Think of someone that goes to the boss to ask for a raise but doesn’t think they’ll get it. How often does the boss say yes in that situation? That’s not to say that you shouldn’t have the uncomfortable conversations or that you should like someone that you really don’t. It just means it’s a good idea to leave some of the input to the other party.
If you can stop yourself from predicting the outcome of the conversation or what the other person is likely to say, you may be surprised at what happens. So how do you do that? Mostly by stopping the voices in your head. Prep for any difficult conversation on paper. List out what you want, what problems are occurring, things that you know, and leave out the things that you are guessing. Then every time you hear yourself say “he’s going to say…” stop yourself, remind yourself that you don’t know what the other person will say, and focus on your list instead. Notice what really happens in the meeting, pretend to be a silent observer even as you’re talking. It only takes a time or two of seeing things not go quite as badly as you might have predicted to start to stop leading with your chin and spoiling for a fight.
