The nature of reality

Our society spends so much time on ‘what is true’ that sometimes we forget that there are different kinds of truth. The plum trees did not look exactly like this when the picture was taken.  But they did feel just like this. Take a moment and acknowledge where your truths may not align with simple facts.  Celebrate them.

Spring plum blossoms, Juliet Chase, all rights reserved

Technorati Tags: perception, trusting yourself

A week of fighting the ‘I must start perfect’ demons

I don’t know if this particular demon is genetic or environmental but I can say that the majority of my family suffers from it.  And they all know it too, which doesn’t seem to reduce it’s impact.  If it takes too great a hold you can end up sabotaging yourself in order to avoid the situation you don’t think you can handle perfectly – a new job, a new project, a first date. There’s no worse feeling than seeing that you are the worst barrier to achieving something you really, really want.

I thought I’d been doing pretty well with this one until this week when I sat down to the computer to start actually putting in work on the part-time telecommuting job and found myself procrastinating to avoid starting. I was nervous about not getting it absolutely perfect in the first three hours.  Even knowing how silly that was, particularly for something that doesn’t pay for perfection, didn’t help much, although starting to work did.  And then I battled the demon again as this first craft show approaches and I found myself saying “but I don’t know how to sell” “I’m horrible at selling”, “I’ll be fumbling all over the place” and so on.  But I also know that self-perception is usually pretty skewed and starting at the top is never a good idea because there’s only one direction to go from there.

So several deep breathes and inspirational self-talk later, I’m making progress.  I’ve got the staging ready for the craft show in terms of display and working hard on the products.  I’ve got gist of the online job figured out, and a good sense of where to focus my energy as soon as this craft show is over. I’m even starting to look forward to the holidays.

Technorati Tags: breaking bad habits, Health and Happiness, self sabotage, solopreneur, the way to happiness, trusting yourself

How to give 100%

“I’m giving 110%” or the more conservative ’100%’. It’s a phrase you hear a lot – particularly in reality TV (The Apprentice, The Biggest Loser, etc.)  but what does that really mean?  Not ever sitting down? Staying until 7PM when everyone else went home at 5?I don’t think that’s it at all. In fact that’s just the opposite because it’s more likely to do with worrying about what others think.

This is on my mind because I’m writing this having just gotten out of court; as I’ve mentioned in passing in other posts I volunteer as a child advocate (CASA) and while that means I can’t discuss the children or people involved I can say that there are always a lot of attorneys – heck, I even get an attorney.  This particular court hearing was held because of me, because I was the one party that didn’t want to go along with the other parties involved. That’s really step 1 – Stand for what you believe is right and don’t give in to peer pressure.

When I made that stand, it meant I needed to write a report for the judge and the other parties. I had been advised that I was probably writing this for the file, that the judge was likely to rule for the other parties and that’s just the way it goes.  I believed that advice but I still made that report the best I possibly could, because to do less would be to say that my involvement didn’t mean that much or that I didn’t really believe in what I was saying so I had to write it as though it would be read carefully and acted on. That’s step 2 – believe that what you do makes a difference, even if it doesn’t seem like it at the time.

Did I get what I asked for? No, but it was more than I had been advised to expect, it bought some time and I got a smile from the judge on the bench. It’s not about winning anyway – particularly in this situation when it’s about children, it’s about taking each opportunity given.  What will I do with the time gained by my taking a stand? If I close my eyes then nothing was gained, if I keep them open then new and compelling information may appear. Step 3 is simply to stay alert and receptive – to never count a situation as closed while there is still something you can do.

Faith is the last ingredient – not in a religious sense although that’s not inappropriate if you lean that direction, but in terms of believing that what you need to know, see, or do will make itself known to you. That what seems like a catastrophe may turn out to be the foundation for something great and that human beings are remarkably resilient.

If you add that all up: stand up for what you believe, believe that you make a difference, stay open, and have faith, you can’t help but give your all whether you’re walking into a court room, trying to get in shape, or gunning for a promotion.

Technorati Tags: achieving goals, trusting yourself

Love yourself because of (not in spite of) your imperfections

Somewhere in a book on my shelf there is a quotation (which of course I can’t find right now) that says that we are honored for our talents, but loved for our imperfections.

We spend so much time trying to weed out and reduce our flaws as though they were cancer cells.  And true, we could all probably stand to be better listeners, more charitable to our neighbors etc. But is perfection really a worthy goal?

The funny thing about perfection if you think about it is that it’s really quite boring.  There are no surprises, nothing unexpected, nothing dramatic, nothing humorous.  All those things come from the less than perfect.  If you think about someone that you perceive as being closer to perfection than most mortals, what is it that makes them appealing? Unique?  If you were called to the morgue to identify the body, what characteristics would identify that person as different from others of a similar profile?  My guess is that most of the things you might list here would generally be classified as an imperfection; a gap in the teeth, a mole, a scar, a bad dancer, stubborn, addiction to reality tv, you name it.  Even high profile models are often ‘unique’ in being short (less than 6′) having a mole or a strong jaw. Something that brings them down just a tad from being physically ‘perfect’.

Physical ideals get the most press, but attitudes are probably even more important and harder to identify.  A few years back I broke my arm in a rather embarrassing way.  It was an after work event and I walked around the table to get away from a loud talker. I carried my beer with me, slipped on something and for some unknown reason tried to save the beer in my right hand while putting all my weight on my left wrist as I landed.  I was embarrassed, mortified,  a bit defensive (I was NOT inebriated) and there was no way to make this a secret when there were about 20 witnesses who thought it made a hilarious water cooler story at work the next day.

Then a funny thing happened.  I noticed that when I told the complete story to strangers who asked about the cast on my arm, they warmed up to me – not just in sympathy, but because they could relate to me and all of those emotions.  I don’t think I was ever any one’s idea of even close to perfect, but you wouldn’t be too far off to describe me as reserved and someone that played it safe.  Someone that worried about what other people were thinking.  I was used to being respected for my skills and talents and worked hard to present a competent and professional demeanor. There’s nothing wrong with that, but I was more successful in all aspects of  my life when I showed my flaws and my humanness to the world without judging myself first.

I wish I could say that the six weeks in the cast cured me of self-doubt and self-consciousness completely. It didn’t, it just brought the lesson home and it’s one that I continue to work on.  If any of this resonates with you, I recommend M.J. Ryan’s book Trusting Yourself: How to Stop Feeling Overwhelmed and Live More Happily with Less Effort Without trust, there really can’t be love.

Technorati Tags: loving yourself, relationships, self confidence, self-improvement, trusting yourself

How to stop creating your own negative reality

Have you ever dreaded a conversation with a boss or coworker or even a spouse so much that you find yourself playing the different roles inside your head ahead of the actual conversation?  And how often does the real conversation mimic the one in your head?

Odds are good that since as much as 80% of communication is nonverbal that you could be ‘leading the witness’ and making things more uncomfortable than they need to be. Think of someone that goes to the boss to ask for a raise but doesn’t think they’ll get it.  How often does the boss say yes in that situation?  That’s not to say that you shouldn’t have the uncomfortable conversations or that you should like someone that you really don’t. It just means it’s a good idea to leave some of the input to the other party.

If you can stop yourself from predicting the outcome of the conversation or what the other person is likely to say, you may be surprised at what happens.  So how do you do that?  Mostly by stopping the voices in your head. Prep for any difficult conversation on paper.  List out what you want, what problems are occurring, things that you know, and leave out the things that you are guessing.  Then every time you hear yourself say “he’s going to say…” stop yourself, remind yourself that you don’t know what the other person will say, and focus on your list instead.  Notice what really happens in the meeting, pretend to be a silent observer even as you’re talking.  It only takes a time or two of seeing things not go quite as badly as you might have predicted to start to stop leading with your chin and spoiling for a fight.

Technorati Tags: dealing with difficult people, difficult conversations, fear, mind loops, relationships, trusting yourself

Go with the flow

There is something incredibly captivating about watching a hawk ride the wind. It’s hard to look away while it’s still in sight.  Part of the magic is because birds of prey are so efficient in expending energy, there is no wasted effort and they take advantage of what the moment offers.

Take a few minutes to put yourself in the hawk’s place. Do you allow the wind to help you or insist on fighting it? Do you trust yourself enough to stop doing things just for the sake of doing something?

New Mexico, Juliet Chase, all rights reserved

Technorati Tags: going with the flow, introspection, reflection, relaxation, time management, trusting yourself, visual meditation